Clancy here. Sergeant Clancy.
Chief Investigator of Interpol's Crimes in Nursery Rhymes Division (CNRD).
It is the mission of CNRD to relentlessly pursue and prosecute the perpetrators of crimes against nursery rhyme characters.
Crimes in Nursery Rhymes you say?
You may not be aware of the multitude of crimes committed by and against nursery rhyme characters due to the publishing industries insistence on putting out only the "sanitized" versions of the truths in an effort to "protect" our children.
But the crimes are real, and so are the people who prosecute them.
Still need proof? Allow me to provide a few examples of our successful prosecutions.
Lady Bug, Lady Bug
Fly Away home
Your House is on fire
Your Children all gone
Well it didn't take long to catch the fire bug.
He was hovering nearby roasting marshmallows
Our ace forensics lab was able to detect trace accelerants (and marshmallows) leading to a successful prosecution.
Pentatomidae aka Stink Bug
Squashed (Don't try this at home. Eeeeeuuuuuuwww, the smell!)
Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater
Had a Wife but couldn't keep her
He put her in a pumpkin shell
There he kept her pretty well
Kidnapping, False Imprisonment
Pumpkin Eater, Peter
Let's just say that Mr. Eater'll be enjoying his own personal "pumpkin shell" for a long time to come
Run, run, run as fast as you can
You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man
Apparently he couldn't outrun a car
It was a clear case of hit and run
Vehicular Homicide while under the influence of eggnog
Mrs. Gingerbread Man
Dunked in milk and eaten
Public Service Announcement
Please Don't Drink and Drive
DUI? Call 1-Get-Ota-Jail
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear
He's actually my first cousin on my mother's side.
You can see the family resemblance
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he?
It seems that Fuzzy had been going to see Dr. Do-Evil after answering and email ad for ....... well let's just say it had something to do with Mrs. Wuzzy.
Turns out one on the side effects was massive hair loss.
The malpractice suit was settled out of court for a substantial sum of money in exchange for criminal charges being dropped.
So Fuzzy contacted Dr. Do-Good (Do-Evils twin bear) to jointly develop a new hair tonic.
Fuzzy is currently the Spokes-bear for Hair Restoration Tonic for Bears
Here are the co-founders on vacation in Aruba following their successful IPO.
But I digress. I'm here today with a public plea.
You know the story
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
It has taken countless bear-hours,
but our top forensic re-enactment team has finally been able to prove
Humpty Dumpty was PUSHED
But so far we're been unable to "crack" the case
That's why were asking for your help. The Humpty Dumpty Tip Line
is now open. Leave a comment here with your tip as to the motive and perpetrator of this heinous crime. Crime Stoppers is offering a reward - the purchase of one of your photos for up to 3 credits - to the best solution (a photo or illustrated representation of the event will be given extra weight) leading to the capture and prosecution of the offender(s). Not a dreamstime member? Register
for free. Follow the investigation on Twitter
Get involved - Give justice to the Dumpty Family
And remember kids - Don't do the CRIME if you can't do the RHYME